Advice for the Lovelorn

This past Saturday my daughter and her boyfriend of 19 months split up.

Since then we’ve all been trying to help her through it.

My husband offered her this bit of advice, “Don’t start dating again until August.” (She’ll be attending Martin Luther College by then.)

My advice came in two parts.

1) Focus on all you’ve got. (And then I listed off all she has going for her, and quoted Philippians 4:8 & 9.)

2) Take care of yourself: Eat, drink, and sleep. (I knew she’d never start feeling better if she was starving, dehydrated, or sleep-deprived. I’m a mom. I worry about these things.)

Her older sister told her that in a good relationship each person brings out the best in the other person. Then she said he did her a favor by ending it, and that she was too good for him. (I thought that too, but I didn’t want to say it.)

Then on Tuesday a friend who knew nothing about my daughter’s break up, recommended the “Ask Carolyn” column in the Trib. A few days later I googled Ask Carolyn, and eventually came upon the following article. Obviously, the situation “Devastated reject” wrote in about wasn’t exactly like my daughter’s. But I forwarded it to her anyway. I thought Carolyn’s reply was loaded with sound advice.

Here’s what the article said:

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend of seven years left me for a 20-year-old (we're both 26). Throughout it all he has tried to be kind and reassuring to me, but I can't seem to reconcile that with the wholesale rejection of everything I have been to him, everything I am and everything I could have been. We've had a tumultuous history, but we always worked through our problems and I really thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

I tried to reason with him and lay out our entire history, and while he agrees it has been worthwhile and that he was happy with me, it's still not worth it to him to give up this new girl. I don't know if he's saying kind things only to make me feel better or if it's an outright lie. I'm so confused about the last seven years now.

I'm trying to take things day by day. I keep trying to remind myself that I did my best, and I can't force him to love me. I just get overwhelmed with these feelings of worthlessness, though, and I feel like I'm losing everything. What else can I do? - Devastated reject

If you're worthless because one person doesn't want to date you anymore, then pretty much everybody on Earth is worthless.

A persistent sense of helplessness means it's time to get screened for depression. Until you reach that point, though, don't discount your inherent power to put this loss into perspective.

Every one of us gets rejected almost daily. X will choose not to sit with us, Y will choose not to call us, Z will ignore something we post on Facebook. Minor rejections all, but they're the ones adolescence teaches us not to think about, because dwelling invites complete social paralysis. And that acquired reflex of prioritizing and blocking-out is important.

Different people have different thresholds for rejection, but, just by living from one day to the next, we all leave behind rejections of all shapes and sizes, sometimes without even noticing we've done it. Someone says something unkind behind our backs, and we learn by accident; a potential employer sends our resume to the shredder, or an admissions committee says uhhhh . . . nope; our friend/love/relative realizes s/he isn't happy, and we are identified as one source of that unhappiness.

It's normal to feel hurt, and painful memories rarely fade completely. But it's also normal for a combination of time, careful thought and a well-populated life to work in concert to put these emotional injuries where they belong. Specifically - and rightly - they become the opinion of one person, blended in with the opinion/companionship/reward/satisfaction/enrichment of everyone else you know and everything else you do.

This is the process you need to undertake, consciously. Look around you, and form this phrase in your mind: "I am looking at people who all have been rejected, in ways that would make them wince to this day." Then watch them shop for groceries, hold hands with partners, peck at their laptops in coffee shops, drive their kids to lessons, jog or walk dogs to their digitized personal soundtracks, draw breath after breath after breath.

You two became a couple as teenagers. That at least one of you would grow away from the other over seven years was a likelihood just shy of a certainty. Grieve the loss, yes, and learn from it; envisioning a new future takes time. But in the meantime, stop blaming yourself (and/or, ahem, the new girl's youth) and place this whole disappointment in the "[Stuff] happens" file. It's the fattest one in the drawer.

Good advice, wouldn’t you say.

Well, it’s been almost a week since the break-up and I’m happy to report my daughter’s doing just fine. I’d like to think it’s because of all the great advice we’ve given her. But I suspect the real reason is that my daughter has been blessed with some of the best friends a girl could have. Within hours of her break-up they were there for her. And all week they’ve been showing their love and support in the form of kind words, sweet gifts, and lots and lots of hugs.

Here’s a little music to end this week’s blog. I’m dedicating it to all my daughter’s friends.

She loves you, and so do I!

My Easter

I have a story to tell you this week. I know you’re all busy boiling eggs and ironing dress shirts, so I’ll keep it short.

It happened when Mandie was either 3 or 4. I don’t remember. But I do remember it was in the springtime, just before Easter. Mandie knew what Easter meant. She knew our Savior, Jesus, died and was buried in a cave, but that on Easter morning he became alive again. She knew because we told her about it. And she remembered what we told her. She’s always been very bright.

Anyway, it was an evening in the spring of 1991 or 1992, and I was helping her get ready for bed. She had a necklace on, but I told her she needed to take it off. “If you go to bed with a necklace on it may choke you, and then you’d die.” I know this sounds pretty graphic for a 3 or 4 year old, but I wasn’t sure if she knew what “choke” meant, and I felt it was my job as a mother to explain the consequences of this and all dangerous behavior, no matter how frightening such lessons may be.

Mandie was not fazed. She calmly added, “Then I’ll come back to life on my Easter.”

It took a second for me to realize how profound her statement truly was. "Yes," I replied, smiling. "You'll come back to life on your Easter."

My Easter. I love that idea.

Death is a terrible thing… a scary thing. But with Jesus as our Savior, we can know with child-like faith, death is nothing to fear. It’s lost its sting. When Jesus returns we will all celebrate a joyous resurrection. We will have our Easter. We will rise, just as Jesus did, and live in glory and light with all our brothers and sisters in Christ forevermore!

So as you celebrate Christ’s resurrection, think about this story. Remember that there’s another Easter Day in your future, when you will be the one who once was dead, but now is alive in Christ. Alive in body, mind and soul. Alive to praise the Lord forevermore.

Happy Easter, everyone!

Name That Photo Contest

It's my first ever NAME THAT PHOTO Contest!
Enter, and you could win BIG money.

SORRY. The CONTEST HAS ENDED.
See winning titles below.


Just check out these 4 photos of my kids when they were kids, and think of a clever name for each. You may enter as many times as you like for as many of the photos as you like. I'll pick my favorites, and the winning entries will each win $1.00. That means, if you're really good at it, you could win a total of $4.00! (Not to mention bragging rights!)

Submit your entries via email to me at:

Linette.M.Scharlemann@gmail.com

This contest continues until I find 4 that I like. The decision of the judge (that's me) is final.

Here we go...

PHOTO NUMBER 1:
"Dandy Mandy"


PHOTO NUMBER 2
"It's a bird...It's a Plane...It's SUPER JJ!"


PHOTO NUMBER 3
"Little Lady of the Lake"


PHOTO NUMBER 4
"Brother, can you spare the time?"


Congratulations, Winners!

Hallelujah!

I have always loved to sing. Walking home from school, doing chores around the farm, listening to LP’s on the living room floor… I spent my childhood singing my heart out.

As soon as I was old enough, I joined any and every choir I could. I was voted most dedicated choir member in high school, and was our college choir’s alto section leader.

Singing was my life. Still, I was not offended or surprised when my college voice instructor told me, “You do not have a soloist’s voice.” I knew my voice was made for singing in a choir, and that suited me just fine. I’ll never forget the first time I felt the joy of singing faith-centered music hand-in-hand with faith-filled brothers and sisters in Christ in the Bethany Lutheran College Choir. It wasn’t just notes. It was so much more. A prayer. A holy offering to the Lord. A taste of heaven. The ultimate.

Or was it?

One day during rehearsal for a small singing group I was in, our director made this statement: “Someday each of you will most likely direct a church choir.” I do not remember why he said it, or what he said next. All I remember thinking was, “Really! Direct? Me? What would that be like? To stand in front of a group of singers, and not join them in song, but lead them in song?” I wasn’t sure, but I wanted to find out.

But how could I? I wasn’t a music major. I wasn’t an anything major. Bethany was a two-year college in those days, and I ended up graduating with an Associate of Arts degree. You can’t do much with an Associate of Arts degree, so I got married. Then came baby number one, followed by baby number two, and babies number three and four. But even through those Mommy years, I still sang in church choirs. And that dream of one day directing never left me.

Then came the summer of 1997. Our church choir director was stepping down, and I knew they were looking for his replacement. Was this my chance? Was I ready? I didn’t know. So I asked the one who knows everything. I got down on my knees and prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I prayed so much I wondered if God was sick of me. But then I remembered the parable of the persistent neighbor (See Luke 11:5-8) and I prayed some more.

Perhaps you’re wondering why I didn’t just call the Pastor and tell him I wanted to direct. Well, I thought about it. Believe me. But I figured if God thought it was time, he’d make it happen. And you know what, he didn’t. The elders asked someone else to do it. That was hard, but looking back, I thank and praise him for that. I would have made a mess of things there. I can see that now.

Fast-forward to 2009. My friend Ron was director of the Southwest Area Lutheran Chorale, and was looking for another person to share those duties. Again, I went to the Lord in prayer. Is this my time? Then one Sunday morning, I went up to Ron and asked him. “I don’t know if this is a crazy idea, but do you think I could try directing this year, just a few songs?”

“I don’t think that’s crazy at all,” he replied, and I my heart rejoiced.

The following spring I directed 3 songs for the Chorale. The experience was about twice as hard as I thought it would be, and about 10 times as wonderful!

This year I’m directing the Chorale again. I have pretty much the second half the concert, 7 songs. Those 7 songs are twice as hard as the 3 I did last year, but I think I’m enjoying it 100 times as much. I’m less nervous this year, and better able to listen to what’s going on, and discern what needs to be done to get the best out of “my” choir. I wouldn’t say I’m an excellent director, but I’m getting there.

I also think the Chorale is getting used to me, and trusting me more, and that’s huge. I have a book called “A Novice’s Guide to Directing the Church Choir.” In it, the author talks about building a “rapport” with your choir. I think that’s just a fancy word for them getting used to you. Trust me, I know my personality takes some getting used to! But God has blessed me with this opportunity to do what I love in service to him and his people. I’m humbled, honored, and thrilled beyond words. And I’m so, so, grateful to the members of the Chorale for coming to practices, taking my direction, and especially for encouraging me along the way. You guys are the best!

And now I’d like to invite you to come to our concerts this Sunday, April 10^th. I’ve posted the times and locations below, but get this - You don’t even have to fill your gas tanks to join us! Our concert at 7:00 pm is being live streamed from the St. John’s, Sleepy Eye website. Just go to this site www.stjohnsse.com and click on the live worship link.

I hope you can make it, if not physically, then on-line. Join with us as we sing God’s praise, Hallelujah!

IMPORTANT NOTE: I’ve written a lot in this blog about me and my journey from singer, to choir-member, to director. But I hope you see the bigger picture here. It’s not about me. It’s about what God has done for me. Not only has he adopted me into the family of believers and filled my heart with joy, he’s letting me use the gifts he has given me to express that joy in song, along with my brothers and sisters in Christ. What a blessing that is!

ADDITIONAL NOTE: Another huge blessing to the Chorale, and both Jim and me, is our very gifted and dedicated accompanist. This is her third year playing piano for the Chorale, and she does an amazing job! She comes to every rehearsal, and puts in hours and hours of practicing at home as well to get ready for these concerts. She is a special gal, and I’m not just saying that because she’s my baby number three. Thanks, Danica! We couldn’t do it without you!

ONE LAST NOTE: When we were selecting our songs for this year’s concert, I kept bumping into the Hallelujah Chorus. I heard it on the radio, on the internet. It was everywhere. I took it as a sign from above, and suggested we add it to our list. No one voted it down, so it’s the last song I direct, our big finish. The only thing more moving to me than singing that piece, is directing it.

Hallelujah! And he shall reign forever and ever. Hallelujah!

Southwest Area Lutheran Chorale Concerts

April 10, 2011

Zion Lutheran in Morton, MN 2:30 pm

St. John Lutheran in Sleepy Eye, MN 7:00 pm

Spring Cleaning

Last week OMG became a word. I find that disturbing.

Not that texting shortcuts are making their way into our speech. That's bound to happen. What I am concerned about is the use of this new word, as well as the original phrase it comes from, in our casual conversations.

I'm sure many of my readers think I'm getting worked up over nothing. Most people don't think of OMG as swearing. It's just something people say to express surprise. It doesn't mean anything, so what's the big deal?

It may not be a big deal to us, but it is a big deal to God. So much so, that he even made a commandment about it. Right after, "You shall have no other gods," and a few before, "You shall not kill," the Lord of all creation commands us, "Do not take the name of the Lord, your God, in vain." Remember that one?

Yeah. It's a big deal to him. And if it's a big deal to God, I think it should be a big deal to us too. Hence...this blog.

Still, I know many of you out there use the phrase. And maybe right about now you're feeling a bit perturbed with me for bringing it up. I understand. No one likes to be lectured. But before you exit my blog please do me one favor and read on. I have a few tips for you that may actually help.

Tip number one: Try bringing in a new phrase into your personal repertoire of exclamations to replace OMG.
Here are a few suggestions:
Oldies but Goodies:
Leapin' Lizards!
Fiddlesticks!
Hot Diggety!
From Cartoons:
Suffering Succotash! (Sylvester the Cat)
Wowsers! (Inspector Gadget)
Hey! Hey! Hey! (Fat Albert)
Too old school? Try these...
Snap!
ACK
w00t

Or be an original and make up your own. Everyone's vocabulary can use a little freshening up from time to time. Give it a try.

Tip number two: If you do slip and you hear the Lord's name used without thought, let it be a reminder to think of him! For example. You come home and find someone has left your front door wide open. Before you know it, you hear, "Oh my God!" escape from your lips. Quickly follow it with, "Please help me to forgive whoever forgot to close the door, and please don't let there be anything wild in there waiting for me. In your Holy Name I pray. Amen." Simple.

Tip number three: When texting, try smileys. I love smileys and use them often .

:( says a lot.

So does :0 or ;D

And don't underestimate the power of running exclamation points. See!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Very effective.

And so I encourage you to celebrate spring with a fresh, new, God-pleasing vocabulary. You'll be glad you did, and so will the Lord!

ttfn

(If you don't know what ttfn means, google it!)

Interesting note: According to Wikipedia, google became a word in 2009, and was first used by Gary Page, founder of Google, in 1998. Since then, Google has asked people not to use google, unless they are referring specifically to searching with the Google search engine. They don't want the word to become generic, like the words Kleenex, and Frisbee. Anyways, I thought it was interesting.