I’m happy being me. I like who I am, and I’m grateful to my creator for the gifts he has given me. I guess you could say I have great self-esteem. Most days, when I look back at what I’ve accomplished, I’m proud of myself.
But as the Bible warns…”Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18 (KJV)
Many times, I must admit, I’ve fallen due to my pride. It happened again on Thursday.
I do not like making mistakes.
That’s actually an understatement. I HATE making mistakes. Especially when it involves letting others down. Naturally, I feel sorry for whoever has suffered due to my blunder. But in truth, a large part of my frustration stems from the feeling that others have lost confidence in me. I can’t stand the idea that people might think I’m anything less than dependable, efficient, and trustworthy. Because that’s what I am. Really…I am!
Do I sound defensive? That’s how I tend to react when I mess up. I go through a stage of denial. “No way. I didn’t do that.” Even in cases where my guilt is obvious I tend to check and re-check, hoping the error was an error. But no. It was me.
The next thought I usually have is something like, “Oh, that’s not so bad.” I try to minimize the damage and somehow justify what I’ve done. “I meant to do that,” is another great line, but seldom believable.
Finally, I have to face up to the fact. I messed up. I hate this part the most. It usually involves admitting both to myself and others, that I’m to blame. This is hard for me. That beautiful self image I have of being dependable, efficient, and trustworthy pops like a bubble, and my true self is exposed. The Apostle Paul knew the feeling. He wrote about it in that famous Biblical tongue-twister: “For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do…O wretched man that I am!” Romans 7:19 & 24 (KJV)
At this point, feeling completely wretched, I’m ready to say I’m sorry. I confess my sin to both God and man, (or woman, as the case may be) and hope they’ll soon forgive me. God always does, (see Isaiah 1:18, John 3:16-18, Acts 3:19, Romans 6:23, Romans 8:1, or 1 John 1:9) and the others usually do too.
Forgiving myself, on the other hand, is a little harder. It can take a while. And during that time my self-esteem is pretty low. But you know what. That’s okay. As much as I hate it, I know God lets me mess up to keep me humble. I need to know I’m not all that great. Any skills or good in me is a gift from God. “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above.” James 1:17 (KJV)
There’s one last stage in this despicable cycle of humiliation. It’s when I look back at the experience, and see what I can learn from it. At the risk of boasting, I have to say, I rarely make the same mistake twice. Here’s what I learned from Thursday’s mess up.
1. I’m not perfect. No one is, except God. And He’s looking out for me. If He weren’t, I’d be making far more mistakes than I do now.
2. My supervisors at work are very patient and forgiving. They are a blessing to me.
3. I need to take a few extra minutes to edit my work before I hit print. Jeff suggests I use a technique the proof readers use where he works, and go through letter by letter, forwards and backwards. I may just do that from now on!
As they say, “All’s well that ends well.” That’s not a quote from the Bible, but it does ring true. Here’s perhaps a better verse to end with: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11 (NIV)
Amen!
A few notes about this blog:
As alluded above, one of my mistakes on Thursday was that I typed “post due balance” instead of “past due balance” on 60 letters. That was embarrassing and annoying, but some (Jeff) would argue, not worth fretting about.
Unfortunately, that was not my only mistake. In a moment of weakness and poor judgment, I also downloaded some stuff I shouldn’t have onto the Bookstore computer. When I complained to Network Services that the computer was acting strange, they told me it was likely due to viruses, and took it away for “disinfection.” This was also embarrassing, and even more annoying as I had those 60 letters to do over, and no computer!
Thankfully, the supervisor that got her letters a day late wasn’t overly upset with me. And my Bookstore supervisor was actually quite pleased when Network Services pronounced our old computer a lost cause, and gave us a new one. Again, I feel blessed to work for such kind people.
I’d also like to give a quick word of thanks to my husband Jeff. He was a big help in the writing of this blog, and in cheering me up when I was feeling down this week. He’s a blessing to me too.
And one final note, not about this blog: Tomorrow, October 11th, Zack, turns 16. Send him a Birthday email or call his cell phone to sing “Happy Birthday.” Email me if you need his contact info and I’d be happy to forward it to you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ZACK!
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