Ever since I can remember I’ve had a little ritual I do either the night before Thanksgiving, or the morning of. I lay in bed and thank God for my blessings in alphabetical order; one blessing for each letter of the alphabet. It’s a lot harder and more fun than it sounds. For example, I usually put my kids in the prayer by their first names: A for Amanda, D for Danica, J for Jonathan, and Z for Zack. But then “J” is taken and I still have Jeff to be thankful for. I can move Jeff to “H” for husband, but now I can’t use the “H” for house or home. Maybe I’ll call it shelter, and use it for “S.” See, it’s kind of like a puzzle.
People my age are often encouraged to keep their brains sharp with mental exercises like this. And I’m beginning to realize why. As much as I hate to admit it, my brain isn’t as sharp as it used to be. Back in the day, I could learn new stuff fairly easily. I wasn’t a “straight -A” student, but that’s mostly because I never really tried too hard. I’d go to class, pay attention, and usually get a decent score on the test. The few times I remember actually studying for a test I ended up getting the highest grade in the class, but that only happened a couple of times. I guess I was lazy. But I always knew I had potential. People told me that all the time. “You have a lot of potential.” I’m sure they said it to encourage me, but after hearing it several times I only found it puzzling. Potential to do what, I’d wonder. I still wonder about it.
I used to think I might go back to school one day. I always liked school. I didn’t like studying much, but I really enjoyed school. As a high school graduate I went to 2 years of college, got my AA degree, and then dropped everything to go after my MRS degree. I’ll never forget telling my mom I was quitting school to get married. I could just see it in her face, “But you have so much potential.” So I’ve been told.
I know I’m making this sound like I’m frustrated and unfulfilled, but I really don’t feel that way much anymore. Only occasionally. But there was a time, not too long ago, when those feelings were so strong they sucked all the joy out of me, and left me wondering where I’d gone wrong.
It all started on May 24th, 2008. I had a terrible day at work, and suddenly and unexpectedly realized I did not like my job. I thought about where I was and what I was doing, and it seemed I was going nowhere. I looked at my life and thought, “This is it? You gotta be kidding me.” I thought about all of the things I hoped I would be one day, and realized they were only childish dreams. I was a nobody and would be a nobody the rest of my life.
That was a tough year for me. I look back at it now and realize it was what they call a mid-life crisis.
I did a lot of thinking that year. I thought about where I was, where I wanted to be, and the reality of my situation. Where I was: manager of a thrift store. Where I wanted to be: a novelist, a motivational speaker, or an expert on…anything! Reality: I would probably never be any of those things.
Potential or not, if God wanted me to be somebody important, it would have happened by now. So, why wouldn’t God let me be all those things? Why was I destined to be a frustrated housewife and nothing more? To answer that, I went to my Bible.
Once again I read that God, the creator and sustainer of all things, is love. I read how he loved me so much that he gave his one and only son up to die for me. That kind of loving gift is so huge, so awesome, I can only grasp it through faith (also a gift from him).
I was also reminded that I can at any time cast all my anxieties on Him, because he cares for me, and that if I trust in the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding, he will make my paths straight.
Eventually I came to understand and believe, I was where I was because that’s where God wanted me to be. He knew me better than I knew myself, and he is and always will be in control of my life. I took a lot of comfort in that. I still wanted to quit my job, and I still hoped to be “somebody” one day, but I was willing to trust in God to either make it happen or not. “Father Knows Best” became my new motto.
By the spring of 2009 I was feeling lots better. I made myself a little Gratitude Journal, and filled it with only the things that gave me joy. When I browsed through the pages of that little book I knew my life was about more than just where I worked. I had my kids, my husband, my home, my hobbies, my passions, my faith. In many ways my life far exceeded my childhood dreams. I had, and have, lots to be thankful for.
Which brings me back to where I began… my prayer for Thanksgiving 2010:
Lord, thank you for Amanda, my Blog, Clothing, Danica, Eternal Life, Friends, Groceries, my Husband, my In-laws, Jonathan, Kyle, Lepidoptera (butterflies), Music, Nature, Outings, my Parents, Quist (Dan), Recreation, Shelter, Transportation, the USA, Vacations, Work, eXercise, our Yard, and Zack. Amen.
And now, the rest of the story…
In July of 2009 I saw an ad for the job here at the bookstore. I applied, and by God’s grace I was offered the job. I can’t tell you how happy it made me. It wasn’t just the new job. It was proof that God loved me and cared about me enough to answer my prayer. I’ve been here for over a year now and I’m still grateful every day that God led my path here. I know I’m where I’m supposed to be, and that’s a GREAT feeling.
NOTE: There’s something else I realized during that year of introspection and self-analysis. I only add it here as a footnote because, number one, it sort of contradicts what I’ve written above, and two, I don’t really understand all the complexities of divine intervention/free-will. But looking back at the choices I’ve made through the years it’s also clear I’m where I am today in large part because of the decisions I’ve made up to now.
It was my choice to stay home with my kids, rather than work outside the home. And I was the one who decided to quit college and marry Jeff. In high school, it was my choice to watch reruns of Little House on the Prairie when I could have and probably should have been studying. So if it’s true that I’ve not lived up to my potential, it’s really my own fault in many ways.
Still, when I look back at those choices, I don’t really regret any of them. Given the opportunity to do it all over, I’m quite certain I’d end up just where I am today. And I’m okay with that too. Sure, I dreamed of being a “somebody” one day. But to God, I know I am, and that’s really what’s most important.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. You’re all Somebodies too!
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