Just As I Am

I have a question for you.

Why do you go to church?

To worship God?

To sing His praises?

To strengthen your faith through the Word and Sacrament?

Those are all good answers.

And if you would have asked me that same question a few weeks ago, I probably would have responded with one or all of those answers myself.

But God, in his wisdom, showed me this past month, I may not be the good-little-church-goer I thought I was.

Here’s what happened.

For the past several years I have volunteered my services, in church services, running the projector. As old and traditional as our congregation is, we have one of those large screens that are popping up all over churches these days. We use ours to display the liturgy, readings, hymns and other helpful info during the services. The entire service is programmed into the computer beforehand by church workers, but volunteers are needed during the services to advance the screens at the proper times. It’s not terribly difficult to do, and I like doing it.

In most churches, the projectionist is seated up in the balcony or in the last pew. But at our church, we have what we call "the projection room." It's got a sound panel, several camera monitors, a dvd player, as well as the computer with the pre-programmed service ready to go. It's a pretty cool little room. It’s also a pretty solitary room. When I'm back there, all alone, with the door closed, as I usually am for services, I can sit however I like, sing however I like, talk to myself, laugh, blow my nose, fart (excuse me) and no one can see or hear me do it. I like that too.

But a few weeks ago the projector began experiencing technical difficulties. Actually, I believe it was the computer that was having problems, but whatever the cause, our lovely screen was non-functioning. Consequently, my services as projectionist were no longer needed. I had to sit in the sanctuary with everyone else.

As I took my seat in the pew beside my husband, I began to think about things. Things I hadn't thought about in many months. Things like, "I wonder if my hair looks good," and "There's Mr. So-and-So, and his daughter, but where's Mrs. So-and-So?" When I belted out the wrong words to a hymn, I wondered if anyone noticed, and sang a little softer. During the sermon I wondered if I was fidgeting too much, or if the Pastor saw me when I yawned and took it personally. When I went up to take communion I even wondered how my butt looked in my new dress pants. No kidding! Then I wondered how I could partake in the Lord's Supper with such sinful thoughts circling around in my head. I tried to push them aside, but they kept popping up, each one worse than the one before.

By the time the service ended I realized this had to stop. It’s just wrong to be thinking such things when I’m supposed to be focused on worship.

But the following weekend the projector was still on the fritz, and I was back in the pew. As much as I tried not to let it, it happened again. All those stupid, trivial, self-centered, and inappropriate thoughts came popping back up into my head. Erg.

That’s when I really began to ask myself, “Self, why do you go to church? Is it for worship, to praise the Lord, to hear his Word and be strengthened by His Body and Blood? Or is it to out-shine, out-sing, and check-out everyone else???” The evidence was hard to deny. My motivations were clearly off track.

“Oh, Lord. What a sinner I am. It would be better to put me back in a room all by myself, where no one could see me, and where I could focus on the service and ON YOU without distraction.”

God must have agreed, because the projector’s working again. I’m back in that small room, all alone, and am I ever glad.

As I think about it, I can’t help but wonder if God’s been keeping me back there because He knows what I’m like. He knows how easily I can get distracted, and so He gave me this little volunteer job to keep me from my sin. It’s not only possible. I believe that was His plan all along.

Not only that, I suspect He put me in a pew those few Sundays to help me realize all this. To show me how easily I lose my way, and make me realize how desperately I need Him to wipe away these and all of those other sins I don’t even know I’m doing. What an amazing Lord we have.

I took communion again last week, and as I walked up to the front of church I didn’t care as much how I looked. I only cared that God was letting me come…just as I am. He knows my thoughts are often not where they should be, but He still invites me to come to Him. And as I took the wafer and the wine I knew Jesus was saying, “This is my body, given for you…” and “This is my blood, shed for you.” And I went back to that little room, and worshipped Him.

Just As I Am

Lyrics by Charlotte Elliott

1. Just as I am, without one plea,

but that thy blood was shed for me,

and that thou bidst me come to thee,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

2. Just as I am, and waiting not

to rid my soul of one dark blot,

to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

3. Just as I am, though tossed about

with many a conflict, many a doubt,

fightings and fears within, without,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

4. Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;

sight, riches, healing of the mind,

yea, all I need in thee to find,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

5. Just as I am, thou wilt receive,

wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;

because thy promise I believe,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

6. Just as I am, thy love unknown

hath broken every barrier down;

now, to be thine, yea thine alone,

O Lamb of God, I come, I come.